I recently had two friends who spent a year facing the horrors of infertility. Happily, they connected with a birth mother and, almost before they knew it, were snuggling at home with their infant daughter. One of the first questions they asked me was about children's books on the subject on adoption. Like many parents they are preparing themselves by establishing resources for the issues that life may bring them. The best place to begin library building is with parent resources.

Many parents may have already discovered Pat Johnston's Adopting After Infertility. (Perspectives Press, $21.95 ). This is not an easy book to read, Johnston faces issues head-on and crams every page with resources and stories to help readers. The third part of this book, "Adoption through a Lifetime", gives developmental understanding of how children understand the diverse issues and elements of adoption. Her books helps parents get a framework for understand how much knowledge a child needs and when. Adopting After Infertility ends with twenty pages of further resource recommendations.

In a recent conversation with Pat Johnston, she was quick to tell me about The Adoptive Families of America an organization that serves over 15, 000 families and publishes OURS: The Magazine of Adoptive Families. They can be contacted at: AFA, 3333 Hwy 100 N, Minneapolis, MN 55422; phone #612-535-4829. Johnston described AFA as being "inclusive" and after reviewing a copy of OURS, I found this adjective to be an accurate label. Within the ninety-six pages of a recent edition, contributors wrote of insurance problems, traveling to your child's country of origin, issues of adopting an older child, culture camp, single parenting, children with Attention Deficit and Autism, as well as a number of personal story features. The magazine ends with an an incredibly "inclusive" sixteen pages of parenting resources!

In a recent conversation with AFA representatives, editors were quick to add three of their best-selling, most requesting parenting books as must "must-haves" for a parenting collection. They recommend Lois Ruskai's Raising Adopted Children (HarperCollins, $11.00) as "the Dr. Spock of adoption books." They recommend Linda Bothun's When Friends Ask About Adoption (Swan Publications, $4.95) as a question-answer guide framed with positive language and supportive attitude. And last, Claudia Jewett's Helping Children Cope With Separation and Loss (Harvard Common Press, $8.95)

Adopted children are usually told their own story before they are ready for the story of another. Many adoptive parents create a books from photographs that record important moments and events. Every adoption story is different and parents should feel the freedom to expand or subtract from the books they read, editing freely with anything that doesn't fit for them or makes them uncomfortable.

Parents who want to journal their baby's arrival and want a framework, might chose adoption-specific baby books. The classic Our Baby's First Seven Years (Gibson, $27.00) can be requested in an adoption version. Aside from the obvious benefit of including seven years, it's of particular importance to a family who has adoptive and non-adoptive children so that all the family baby journals look alike.

For real journal lovers, there's the elegant Baby Face by Gail Johnson, who wrote the book after hearing continual requests for a special journal written specifically for adoptive parents. Covers come in pink, blue or ivory moire and supplements can be included to cover open or international adoption. ($39.95, added supplements $6.00; available by calling Gail at 512-496-9694)

As with all stories, the simpler the book for young children, the better. I suggest parents stay away from complicated emotions and issues and begin with books that tell the the facts. Many of the earliest books are told in fiction format, but have a non-fiction feel to them. One of the first adoption books written for young children is Susan Lapsley's I Am Adopted . It endures because of its simplicity and straight forward presentation. Its purpose is not to answer a lot of questions, but to offer a first presentation of the facts. Because of its British publisher, this book is sometimes difficult to get, but it's worth the effort. Ages 2-3. (Bodley Head, 1983)

Janice Koch's Our Baby: A Birth and Adoption Story uses simple, clear language to present the way an adopted child comes to a family. Reproductive and adoptive facts introduce a vocabulary to use and leave a place for individuality with fill-in-blanks that will really make this book your own. Ages 3-6. (Perspectives Press, $10.95)

The Day We Met You by Phoebe Koehler begins with a sunny day and goes on to describe happy adoption preparations. It tells how the adoptive parents scurry to gathered everything they needed from butterfly pacifiers to a borrowed cradle to fresh flowers to fill the room. The parents know "that we loved you" the minute they see the baby and the story comes full circle as the baby feels "like the sun shining inside us." Ages 1-4. (Bradbury, $13.95)

Sesame Street did adoptive families a great service when baby Miles was adopted by Susan and Gordon. Susan and Gordon Adopt a Baby gives book form to the familiar characters. This is also a wonderful sibling book. Ages 2-5. ( Random House, $5.99).

Suzanne Bloom's A Family for Jamie tells of Molly and Dan who long for a child to share their lives. They dream about things they will share with their child. These involved adults can "make almost anything, but they couldn't make a baby." And so comes their decision to adopt and a cycle of wondering about how their baby will bring them dreams, and finally the fulfillment as "Molly, Dan and Jamie went home to play and learn and grow together." The phases of adoption are simply and lovingly described in a way a child can relate to. Ages 4-6 (Potter, $13.00)

Katie-Bo by Iris L. Fisher is a child's view of the adoption of his Korean sister. It is full of family vitality, emotions, facts, and rings very true. Collage illustrations seem a perfect accompaniment to the boy's story. Ages 3-8. (Adama Books, $9.95)

Susi Gregg Fowler's When Joel Comes Home is the story of a young girl who prepares for the arrival of a friend's baby with more excitement "than a party". She draws banners, plans outfit, picks flowers, and joins with others to meet the baby at the airport. Even better than the joy of holding the baby is her gladness that "the waiting is over. Now the fun can begin!" Ages 4-7 (Greenwillow, $14.00)

In sharing books about adoption, it is very important to take cues from your child, listening for what troubles them rather than introducing a subject that might prove upsetting. One of the first issues an adopted children might face is feeling different. There are several books that serve as an opening to begin discussion. Again, consider the way the child takes in information is very important in considering books. Parents may want to begin with books that are more indirect.

Why Am I Different? by Norma Simon shows children of all shapes, sizes, skills, environments, locales, circumstances, stressing that differences is what makes the world and that there is a lot of sameness in difference, too. Ages 4-8. (Whitman, $10.95)

An even more indirect entry comes with the sharing of Peter Spier's People. The pages crowded with people who show the exciting variety present in the world. This wordless book is a great conversation starter. Ages 2-8.(Doubleday, $13.95, $8.95)

Story is often one of the best ways to explain the adoption to a young child. The metaphor of story removes the child a bit. They may enjoy the surface level of the story at first and later identify with ideas or characters. Keiko Kasza's A Mother for Choco is the story of a little bird who searches for a mother. He begins by trying to identify himself with animals who look like him, but the details are always wrong. Finally, he meets Mrs. Bear who doesn't look at all like him. She comforts him, holds, kisses him, and sings to him. Finally, she suggests that she be his mother and takes him home for apple pie. In his new home are four other babies who don't look like Mrs. Bear, but she shares pie, love, and bear hugs that go way beyond anything looks could offer. This book works as well for adoption as foster home situations. Ages 3-6 (Putnam, $14.95)

Feeling different comes to a fiction format in Holly Keller's picture book, Horace. Horace, a small cheetah, is greatly loved by his tiger mom and dad who put him to bed every night with the story of how they have chosen him. And yet he feels different. He tries to connect his dots into lines and dreams of being in a spotted family. Horace runs away and enjoys a long day with just such a family until he misses his Mama and Papa. After they find him, he decides that he wants to choose them, too. Ages 3-8. (Greenwillow, $13.95)

Ann Turner makes foreign adoption accessible to young children in her Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies. The teller is a young Asian child who has evidently been told the story of his arrival so many times that he wishes to tell the story himself. Coming from a rural background in a different culture, he travels bravely armed only with pictures of his parents-to-be and a quilt. He finds everything around him strange and frightening... until he begins to know the red dog, his adoptive mother's smile, the welcoming eyes of his adoptive father, and the quilt made to warm him as lovingly as his adoptive parent's nurturing. Ages 3-8. (HarperCollins, $12.95)

Sometimes it's important for children to see their situation pictured. David Spohn's Starry Night and its companion, Winter Wood are warm father-son stories. Whether the father is chopping wood, or sitting before a camping fire, he banters lovingly and conversationally with his sons. Illustrations reveal their difference of coloring, but they speak in a way that is universal to loving families. (Ages 4-8; Morrow, $10.00)

In a similar vein, it's important to know that families come in all shapes and sizes. Meredith Tax gives extensive examples of different kinds of families in Families with playful child-like humor, concluding, "The main thing isn't where they live or how big they are-it's how much they love each other." (Ages 4-9; Little Brown, $15.95)

As your child grows older, more complicated issues may surface. Here are a couple recommended books for five to eights. Lois Wickstrom's Oliver: A Story About Adoption (Our Child Press, $14.95 ) tells of young lizard whose anger leads him to fantasize about what life might have been like if he weren't adopted. I especially like the way he's described as being "related to his mom and dad by love and law."

Catherine and Sherry Bunin's is that your Sister? (Our Child Press, $14.95) tells the story of adoption through six year old Catherine's eyes. Her tale is told by questions she's been asked by children and adults.

For children who are coming into a family from a foster home at a later age is Geraldine M. Blomquist's Zachary's New Home: A Story for Foster and Adopted Children. Zachary is a child who is loved and loves his parents, but when his mother hits him, a social work takes him to a safe new home. The story reveals all the facts of foster placement without demeaning the birth parents or Zachary's caring for them. (Magination Press, $6.95)

Chinese Eyes by Marjorie Waybill is a classic story that endures. It tells of Becky, a child adopted from Korean, who's taunted in school for her "Chinese eyes". Her listening mother asks her to note differences and similarities in a mirror and Becky resolves her own issues as she realizes that the most important sameness about their eyes is "we can both see!" Ages 5-8 (Herald Press, $14.95)

Like all children, adoptive children want to be re-assured of the forever quality of parents' love. Books to emphasize this might be Barbara Josse's Mama Do You Love Me? (Ages 3-8; Chronicle Books, $12.95); Mem Fox's Koala Lou (Ages 3-8; HBJ, $13.95); Nancy White Carlstrom's Swim the Silver Sea, Joshie Otter (Ages 3-6; Philomel, $14.95) ; Wendy Cheyette Lewison's Going to Sleep on the Farm (Ages 2-6; Dial, $13.00) Jeanne Modesitt's Mama, If You Had a Wish (Ages 2-6; Simon and Schuster, $14.00) Eric Carle's Papa, Please Get the Moon for Me (Ages 3-8; Picture Book Studio, $16.95) and Margaret Wise Brown's Runaway Bunny (Ages 2-6; HarperCollins, $12.95, $3.50).

For reassurance about separation there's Dorothy Corey's You Go Away (Ages 2-5; Whitman, ) and for night sleeping and esteem building there's Michael Pappas' Sweet Dreams for Little Ones' Bedtime Fantasies to Build Self Esteem (Ages 4-8;HarperCollins, $10.00)

At a very early age, adopted children may experience the confusion of mixed feelings. Double-Dip Feelings by Barbara S. Cain(Ages 3-8; Maginations Press, $6.95) describes ambivalence in a way that children can understand by relating a number of different situations and emotions. Though adoption is not directly discussed, there may be many times that the mix of feelings surface for an adopted child. The book offers a way to acknowledge the importance and confusion of feelings in any child's life.